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Old November 10th, 2007, 08:03 PM   #41
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Thought provoking post, Birgit. I can't speak for Sheldon and I wouldn't even attempt to, but I know that many of us standing pee takers have issues with communication. I really liked the part about "talking" to the wife. I am going to email my special lady and see if she wants to try it sometime.

Seriously, good views, Birgit.
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Old November 10th, 2007, 08:24 PM   #42
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Thought provoking post, Birgit. I can't speak for Sheldon and I wouldn't even attempt to, but I know that many of us standing pee takers have issues with communication. I really liked the part about "talking" to the wife. I am going to email my special lady and see if she wants to try it sometime.

Seriously, good views, Birgit.
Have to love you Pepper "email my wife to ask to talk" you are just too funny, but also way to close to the truth (in my humble opinion)

Just to make you not feel too bad about being a "standing pee person" lots and lots and lots of women don't know sh** about comminication either! They mistake it for talking! ohh yes I can talk, I'm a typical woman that way, but I can also listen (if I choose to... )

Communication is a two point thing - a sender and a receiver - and way too many don't get the receiver part.

To be good a communicator, one has to listen, and to listen one has to put aside "but always and used to and and and" just listen and really listen to what is being said. Some wise-crack said at a point "there's a reason why you have two ears and one mouth"

So I dare you, sit down as a couple/family or just by your self, and answer these questions;
Where am I?
What am I?
Where am I going?

Continue, you know the drill, problem is that way too many get stuck in the everyday bread-n-butter thing and stop dreaming, stop reaching for the stars.

I did that drill a few years ago, was it hard, ohh yes, I left my country, my family and my friends to build a new life. Why? Because I had to and because this is what I needed and wanted.

Did I get lots and lots of flack for it from friends and family, sure, but they can also see that I now am a much more happy person. And they are happy for me.

I'm not saying that you guys have to pull out all your roots and move to the other side of the world, because if you do without knowing why and what, then it is just flight - and that will not make you happy one bit - all I'm saying is try to leap
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Old November 10th, 2007, 08:26 PM   #43
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Thought provoking post, Birgit. I can't speak for Sheldon and I wouldn't even attempt to, but I know that many of us standing pee takers have issues with communication. I really liked the part about "talking" to the wife. I am going to email my special lady and see if she wants to try it sometime.
You might want to try one of google's translation filters when you do. Helps with the language barrier, though even that doesn't completely surmount it.
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Old November 10th, 2007, 08:31 PM   #44
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You might want to try one of google's translation filters when you do. Helps with the language barrier, though even that doesn't completely surmount it.

O/I I momentarily just got stupid, can you please clarify the above?!

Is above in regard to language as from another country or language as how men speak and how women speak as in good old "venus/mars" or???
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Old November 10th, 2007, 09:08 PM   #45
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O/I I momentarily just got stupid, can you please clarify the above?!

Is above in regard to language as from another country or language as how men speak and how women speak as in good old "venus/mars" or???

you got it - it's the "Women are from Venus, men are from planet earth" kind of thing.
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Old November 11th, 2007, 12:40 AM   #46
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......Sometimes losing something is the only true way to measure what it means to you. The pain of absence typically produces clarity of vision that leaves little doubt as to the measure of worth of the missing thing. The Stones said you can't always get what you want, but you usually get what you need. It's important to know what you need, but it's also critical to maintain the balance between managing your responsibilities to others....
Iíve read all the posts here and what speedy says sums up where I am now. I am not compromising on anything. I am not resentful to my wife and family whom is the #1 priority in life and would always be. Also I understand that in life sometimes the 1/3 rule can't always happen during certain times. What has happened to me is that I got overly intoxicated in the skating to the point that abused a good thing and selfishly imposed my obsessions on all those around me. I have allowed myself to be resented and have shirked my responsibilities in my drive to skating perfection. Itís all the balance, and I went far overboard. Hence the name of the thread, obsession.

Obsesion

1. a compulsive or irrational preoccupation
2. an unhealthy fixation

So god gave me the wisdom to see what was going on around me and to understand what needed to be done. I hung up the skates to get the clarity needed, and I am allowing myself 2 skates a week. I am not being constricted by anyone around me. No one can put a time on how much is too much skating or how little is being repressed from our own personal needs. We all have different responsibilities and limitations.

So my challenge is to repair the damage I did, and to rebuild the world around me. I can not devote all my attention to skating for this recovery period.

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...Which brings me to my next self imposed guideline: If you are truly addicted to something, shut the hell up and don't let the cat out of the bag!. Point being, if Iíve already stretched the goodwill by being away on a 3 or 4 our skate session, the last thing the wife wants to hear me talk about is skating. And no one at work needs to know how i spend my vacation time, it's not there business, and i don't want or need their approval, and itís better if they don't know. If they wonder, as they do, Iím off to get some exercise.....
And now a story on a point that O/I mentioned.

There was once a little bird that procrastinated about flying south in the winter. One night, when the first snow flakes started to fall, he quickly started on his journey south, but it was too late. He ended up flying into a winter storm causing him to eventually crash to the ground all cold and frozen over. To make things worse, as he was stuck in the cold icy snow, a cow in the field pooped on top of him, covering him in manure. The next day he awoke to the shining sun. Although he couldnít move, he realized that the warmth from the manure had kept him alive from freezing to death. He was so happy that he sang loudly in the morning sunshine. A hawk overhead swooped down and helped him by pulling the little bird up out of his captivity. Immediately the hawk gobbled the little bird up for breakfast.

There are three lessons one can learn from this.
Not always, when someone poops on you, is he your enemy. Not always, when someone pulls you out of a mess, is he your friend. But when you are up to you neck in Sh**, keep your big mouth shut.


I should have heeded this lesson.
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Old November 11th, 2007, 01:16 AM   #47
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It is all a matter of balance.

Exercise has always been a vital part of my life - for both mental and physical health. In my high pressure mostly 60+ hour a week job, you need a good and healthy outlet. I use to run early in the morning between 5 and 6 when noone was asking for my time. It was quiet and I could clear my head before the start of another day. My knees are too far gone so I had to find another outlet.

When my son was young I took him in a jogging stroller - yes mom was nervous the first dozen times but she did get over it after no mishaps. Good memories of rolling together. He never got the skating "bug" so it did become a solo activity for me. I am lucky that my wife realizes that it is important to exercise. Regularly. She had skin cancer so her exercise is inside at the gym. She knows that I was brought up that exercise equals fresh air and I can not stand exercising indoors.

I used to only skate on Saturday and Sunday mornings usually finishing by 8.30 or 9. I've always been a morning exerciser but I needed more exercise so I started going after work during the week to ratchet up my mileage to 100+ miles a month. Is it my favorite time to exercise - no but it's when it fits.

I have combined skate events with vacations or visits to colleges (how did that little boy in the stroller get so big?). The morning I get up to skate the event is one that they sleep in. Everybody wins.

Good communication helps. Coming home from work after a lousy day and going skating for 30-45 minutes makes me a more pleasant person to be around :-) And that makes it nicer for everybody.
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Old November 11th, 2007, 08:58 AM   #48
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Sheldon, the great thing about all this is the cards are ours to play as we see fit. Play them as you see best, and i truly hope it works out as you desire. I see where you are coming from. Having thought about this at least somewhat, i kind of feel like a 1/3rd rule made sense coming from someone who has the luxury of a 3 person family. But for someone with 4 kids (hence a 6 person family), this may not be realistic or fair, and maybe they would go with a 1/6 rule (?). Or better yet, they would go with a rule that works for them, whatever that might be... I admire your willingness to live up to your prior committments, and seek out a fair balance.
We are always adapting and fine-tuning, and somehow i've gotta believe we will be alright as long as we do. And somehow i think you'll be adjusting some more as time comes.
FWIW, it was interesting to hear how others balance personal time with committments.
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Old November 11th, 2007, 07:53 PM   #49
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Notice how quick I am with the observing and the anecdotal interpretation of what I see, but no so much with the "this is what I do..."? Before this thread even started I mentioned in a PM to Shelly about the AM workout. That's about all I can offer. There is no glory in scraping out a workout when you should be doing something else, there's even less when you have a crappy season to go with it. I have been there and back again. I don't know about other sports or athletes or anything else, I just know what I've seen, skating is all I've done that was anything. When I breathe the breath that comes from this body yet inflates the me that I believe is possible, I reach forward like the moth to flame. If this is our support group than I should be the first one to say....

Hi, I'm JT and I have a problem...

...only I don't see it as a problem.
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Old November 12th, 2007, 12:43 AM   #50
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Hi, I'm JT and I have a problem...

...only I don't see it as a problem.
What stage is denial?

I got in the dog house this morning doing my morning skate...Spent some time talking to a supportive parent this morning and got home later than expected ( the 20 minutes in the checkout line of the supper market did not help either.)

Sunday morning really is my "me" time. I had more when it was just Madeline but once Samantha could interact with stuff I'm down to Sunday morning. Indoor practice is not my time, I'm expending a heck of a lot of energy focusing on all the kids, so there goes (M-W-F). Tuesday I ferry Madeline to dance. Thursday night is the only night we don't have dinner at 8pm!
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Old November 12th, 2007, 01:08 AM   #51
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What stage is denial?
what difference does it make?
<speedy stares straight faced at the computer>
<mrsspeedy stares straight faced at the tv>
I mean really.
You are going to do what you do.
I am going to do what I do.
I cautiously advise everyone to be
careful not to ask the questions you
don't want to know the answer to.

We each make our own choices.
If you think you don't know what you
are doing, you are only fooling yourself.

You want drama? I got drama.

Quote:
<speedy stares straight faced at the computer>
<mrsspeedy stares straight faced at the tv>
Is this scenario real?
Again, what difference does it make? If you
see yourself in this at all, then take the
pause and sort it out and make yet another
choice to see the truth or not. If so, then
choose or don't to do something about it.

It's always a choice.

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Old November 12th, 2007, 03:13 AM   #52
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what difference does it make?
<speedy stares straight faced at the computer>
<mrsspeedy stares straight faced at the tv>
Ah...For us the TV is on only for family movies that we chose...I've got my nose in my computer until I hear the scream for me...But then it is all about trade offs...

Laura is home schooling Madeline and taking care of Samantha. We are not paying for daycare. The trade off is that for the next while Laura cannot get her "me" time. The best I can give her is 4-5 hours when I take the girls to the zoo. In another year Laura will be able to take her mommies night out, then the world will get better.
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Old November 12th, 2007, 06:15 PM   #53
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With enough skate (and some other stuff with an "S" helps too ) I wont be all depressed
Oh! You mean SLEEP
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Old November 12th, 2007, 06:32 PM   #54
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Oh! You mean SLEEP
That's the SAME THING my wife would have said!
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Old November 13th, 2007, 10:14 AM   #55
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There are three lessons one can learn from this.
Not always, when someone poops on you, is he your enemy. Not always, when someone pulls you out of a mess, is he your friend. But when you are up to you neck in Sh**, keep your big mouth shut.


I should have heeded this lesson.
Sheldon,

I disagree. You've actually opened up a serious discussion that is a good thing. You may be regretting people getting in your business-- but sit back and second and understand Everyone is learning from this. AKA YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Anyone who's skated seriously has been in this spot.... 'Sorry like you really wanted to hear from another women here-- and an ART skater at that... however let me see if I can offer a little sage advice here that comes from being in skating most of my life--- but getting out for some time as well... and the problems in coming back...

1. I respect and admire the fact your family comes first. 'Wish we could see that trait in more men these days-- however don't pin a medal on your chest yet, Sweetie.

2. It's obvious your male. No offense meant, but every boy... er man likes to have his toys... er hobbies. I have a husband who flies competition model guiders F3B World class stuff. Talk to me about serious competitiveness.

One of the wisest things my mother ever told me was that men never do anything half way-- especially if they like it. It's all or nothing. She also explained that is fine as long as a couple things happen: A) the family is taken care of and B) the line of communications with the spouse are open, two-way and honest. Being married does not mean you completely shelf your own dreams and desires to achieve-- it means it's a compromise. (Mom was pretty wise in her 52 yrs of marriage to my Dad.)

3. You also don't need to be so immersed in skating that it's the only thing you ever talk about-- Make the conscience effort to check the "skate talk" on the door step. However this does not mean you never talk about it-- and you NEVER HIDE IT like some guilty pleasure. Your skating regularly is as matter of fact as asking "What's for dinner?" Be proud that you are taking the personal responsibility to do something good for your mental and physical health. Should your wife not "get it" then it is time for a serious conversation without emotion, baggage or venom on either side. It's quite possible she's got issues herself and is taking them out on you. If so, you could be Superman, and all she's going to do is complain about having to wash that outfit with the big red "S" on it in a separate load!

Question: Does the spouse ever do any type of physical activity or sport? If not, it's time to buy her a membership for Curves and get her off her fanny! Or does she only cart the kids around, and set such a high "Super Mom" standards on all of you that nothing can be out of place or off HER schedule? Or does she go with the flow within reason? The reality check is there are too many of my gender who only look at their spouse as an income statement, and who would treat an employee better than they treat you. If so you have a much bigger problem.

As for her not wanting to go off with you to a race-- Geesh! I'd love to be able to say HELL NO every time my professional husband wants to bring me along to a Conference or Flying Competition! But I don't. WHY? Because he makes sure that we get to do something fun and special some time during every trip. Hasn't this gal ever heard of a spa in most decent hotels? Good Lord! Also the time away from everyone else gives a couple the opportunity to talk and reconnect as human beings-- and have some fun. Fun you can't have with the kiddies in tow. Remember?

The reality check is 24 years ago I left competitive skating and coaching when I was nearly at the top of the heap. I shelved it because of a variety of things including a spouse who could not understand it and did everything in his power to sabotage my skating. He is now my X-husband, despite the fact I helped pay for his Law School Education and worked my tail off in his Law Office (without pay) as he was getting established. Do I regret it? Yes, and I vowed never to allow my life to ever go that way again.

Today my husband is the one actually pushing me to get back into skating and coaching for a variety of reasons. He has openly said to me and our friends-- I would prefer to see her go back to skating than regret never trying again.

Does he go with me to the rink? Sometimes, when he's home from the hospital early enough-- but in reality he knows if I say I'm at the rink, I'm there. We always communicate as to where I am, when I'm coming home, and where dinner's hiding or if we should make plans for carryout or a quick trip to out eat. He also has started picking up the slack on some of the chores like feeding the dogs, stopping at a store, or even running the vac' over the carpet. It's all a trade off. There are very few chores in our house that the other can't do. And when it all gets away from us-- I hire someone to cut the grass or get on something we can't turn into a quick weekend project that fits our plans.

Life's too short.

So now go pin that medal on your chest, and go do the right thing by having an honest chat with your wife. Or send her over here to have a chat with a couple of us!

Mary Lu
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Old November 13th, 2007, 12:28 PM   #56
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[FONT=Georgia]Life's too short.

So now go pin that medal on your chest, and go do the right thing by having an honest chat with your wife. Or send her over here to have a chat with a couple of us!

Mary Lu

Mary Lu,

You rock! Well said!!
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Old November 13th, 2007, 12:29 PM   #57
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Mary Lu,
Wow! That's one of the best post on this forum.
Very heart felt and thought provoking.
I'm glad you've got your skates on again.
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Old November 13th, 2007, 02:55 PM   #58
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Sheldon,

I disagree. You've actually opened up a serious discussion that is a good thing.

I have a husband who flies competition model guiders F3B World class stuff. Talk to me about serious competitiveness.


[FONT=Georgia]One of the wisest things my mother ever told me was that men never do anything half way-- especially if they like it. It's all or nothing. Mary Lu
Yes that is a good point - thanks Sheldon for bringing this point up. It's extremely relevant, and I selfishly appreciate the opportunity to write about and therefore reinforce the importance of skating (physical exercise, creative expression) in my life. So thank you for making me think about it, even though you may not have gotten a darned thing out of it (but I hope you did).

Mary Lu - About your mother's comment: I've seen plenty of men do stuff halfway. And there are plenty of women who go overboard. No disrespect at all to you or your Mother - I'm just not a fan of 'men do this' and 'women do that' blanket-statements. But your husband's hobby sounds like a blast!
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Old November 14th, 2007, 04:05 AM   #59
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Mary Lu -

Can I marry you? Oh, wait, too late for both of us .

Awesome post!!
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Old November 14th, 2007, 11:55 AM   #60
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Mary Lu -

Can I marry you? Oh, wait, too late for both of us .

Awesome post!!
Sorry Sweetie... but my husband long ago (20 yrs or so,) learned my skating spouse in my former dance partner, Burt. LOL! This realization came when Dr. Doug (the husband) figured out..

1. I'd been twizzling around in Burt's arms in public,
2. wearing less than I do to a cocktail party,
3. for more than 15 years before I knew him!
4. And nothing funny had ever gone on... ever!
5. Dr. Doug really likes Burt. They tell stories about me... does that tell you anything?

Dr. Doug explains to his colleagues, family and friends that Burt and I are more like brother and sister than anything else-- we just happened to skate together. Frankly Dr. Doug never worries when Burt and I are skating and traveling together.

On the lighter side... the husband has volunteered to lease me out on weekends-- to other skaters if and when Burt is unavailable. He requires a sizable deposit, credit check, and a Livescan to insure I'm safe and you can afford the lease. He does warn potential Lessees that I do require a sizable maintenance cost to keep me happy and in perfect running order.

Mary Lu
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